I write anime reviews, the objective and the subjective. Everything here on this website is my subjective review.
I've been watching anime for about 7 years but just made a MAL as of New Year's of 2021 (small breaks here and there).
Here's my scoring criteria, if you want to see it. Read at your own risk.
10- These are some of my all-time favorites. In terms of wine, these are the finely aged wines that's been passed down for ages, kept in its own cabinet, a padlock locking its display case. I have an itch to drink it sometimes, but even thinking about opening the cabinet and drinking it makes me drunk on its elixir. Crap, I think I'm drunk right now writing about it.
Regardless how many flaws there are, I love it to death and think it's one of the best things since sliced bread. It's a masterpiece that deserves a gold star.
9- These are my favorite selection of anime. In terms of wine, these are the ripe old wines that I save in a wine cellar, reserved for those special occasions, for example, like when I would meet an actual tsundere catgirl in real life. I'll take her to my house and start preparing a nice dinner. I'll take out the highest quality canned tuna (none of that StarKist crap), and slowly, I'll pour out a deep red wine in a metal saucer and... then I'll wake up and remember that my catgirl waifu body pillow isn't ever going to be a real woman, and I down the wine while sobbing uncontrollably.
Despite its flaws, I enjoyed the anime a ton, and I consider it a treasured anime that I'll look at with a smile. Or start bawling at. Depends. My 9's are quite a mixed bag. Just like a bag of dice.
8- These are some high-quality anime. In terms of wine, these are the ones I keep on the top shelf, the ones I might sometimes take a quick glance at and slightly grin, its bright, slender red. Perhaps I'll have it this Friday, right after work. Friday night rolls around, and I loosen my tie around my neck, exhausted from tying up loose ends that the rookie made. Whatever. I take out my bottle and take out the cork, setting it down on the counter. Finally. Then my friends burst into my house, and in a panic, I down the whole bottle before collapsing, all so they can't take my spoils. Of course though, when I wake up, I find a few bottles empty on my counter, and I cry in pain.
This kind of anime is something I enjoyed a lot. Besides a few things I might have qualms about, I had a great time watching it. I also like watching anime. Who would have guessed?
7- These are some good quality anime. In terms of wine, these are the ones I sit on one of the middle shelves, not too high where it's out of reach normally, but also high enough to be admired, even from a distance. After a tragedy to the top shelf wine, I examine my wine bottles this Friday night, this week, a different rookie, same mistakes. I set it out of my mind. These wines are still considerably aged. No blemishes, no cracks. I set it down gently on the coffee table. Then my roommate accidentally hits his toe on the table. I flinched, and though my eyes were closed, the shattering of glasses rang through the house for so long, and the shattering of my heart as well.
I find the anime to be a real treat, and I enjoyed it quite a bit. Perhaps not my favorite, but I'll say that I had a good time for sure. I have a good time going to the beach. Until I step on a glass shard, then I start cussing at everything in Mother Nature's domain.
6- These are decent anime. In terms of wine, these are the ones that sit at the bottom of my shelf, where I can grab them when I require them for a house gift, when I find myself going to a wine and cheese party. I attend these so that perhaps I might get to taste some very fine wine today, even if just a bit, as I have been deprived of for many weeks due to tragedies. Along with some aged cheddar, I slowly take out my case of wine, setting them down with the name facing forward. It's nothing particularly amazing about this wine, but considering the casual party, the wine was a strong pick versus its competition. But by the time I turned back around with a glass to pour some wine into, a raccoon was smuggling my wine into his duffel bag, scurrying out the window all while insulting my mother. Alas, at least I had a loli maid tell me that her master was to hold another wine and cheese party next Friday, exactly a week later.
It's not the best, but it's surely not the worst. It's enjoyable, but it's nothing to write home about. It's better than average though, and it's redeeming qualities shine, just like a tic tac. Or water. Or a light wave.
5- These are alright anime. In terms of wine, these are the ones that sit on my wine rack, where I bring them for most parties I hold with friends, as they aren’t too expensive, but have a nice taste for those who aren’t familiar with wine tasting. I brought some along this Friday at another banquet hall, hosted by a senior of mine. I was invited again this week, but due to tragedies that have befell me these past many weeks, I only have such mediocre wine. It was no problem though, for many guests didn’t bring anything much better than mine, so I sigh in relief. However, when the loli maid distracted me with a plate of gouda, I could only turn back to see my wine being bagged by the same darn raccoon the week before. He scampers out of the banquet, and by the time I slam the doors open, it’s merged into the dark.
It's not that great, to be honest. But as I said above, it's not the worst. It's mildly enjoyable, but I don't think I would even talk about this anime. It has some things right and wrong. It's like eating frozen waffles. I think I forget to heat it up though.
4- These are not very good anime. In terms of wine, these are the ones that sit in the rack next to the kitchen, and while they are decent in many people’s standards, I tend to use it for cooking rather than drinking. It’s late into the night, and I’m furiously cooking away, all types of dishes that even use a bit of wine are stacked on my counter, plated up. I tend to do this when I’m stressed. I’m right now stressed by two things. One thing is that another rookie messed up everything at work, so instead of getting work done, I had to clean up after him. I’m not a darn janitor: why do I have to clean up after them? But something else weighs much more on me. The second thing is that I can’t get that raccoon out of my mind. That cursed raccoon, who robs me off my liquor! I take a large bite out of my braised brisket, and then quickly pour out a glass of wine that I down instantly, slamming it on the counter before getting back to my stress cooking. That raccoon is going to regret getting on my bad side.
It's not good, but it's not the worst thing ever. I can enjoy it somewhat, but I'm sort of suffering as well. It might have something I like though. I like ice cream. And coffee. That's not on topic though. I like anime.
3- These are pretty bad anime. In terms of wine, I store these in a rack next to the dinning table, where when I have guest or strangers over, I can pour them some less expensive wine and they likely don’t know the difference. Like this Friday. This Friday will be different. Today this Friday, I am holding a wine and cheese party. I’ve already gotten rid of my roommate, so he won’t break the only wine we have left. Of course, my friends won’t come if I don’t have good wine, so I guess that’s okay. I don’t need to worry about them. I set the wine up on a clothed table, and I check my watch as the guest flow through, trying out the wine. Someone taps me on the shoulder, and it’s the loli maid. As I turn to her, I hear rustling behind me. The raccoon. I leap at it in a furious rage, and as we both jump through the glass windows, the chase was on.
It's not good. Frankly, it's pretty bad. I might enjoy it. Just maybe. I can promise you though that I'm not happy when I watch it, and it has major problems. You know what else makes me not happy? Sleep deprivation. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
2- These are really bad anime. In terms of wine, I store these in a cabinet in my kitchen, whenever I want to serve bad wine to guest I particularly dislike. It’s been exactly a week since I’ve been chasing this raccoon all over the country, but today, I have him now. He’s cornered in an alley, and all I need to do is to take him down and make sure he doesn’t get out of my clutches. I set the trap down: a bottle of cheap wine, but with a label of high age. And like that, he falls for it. He reads the label, and not knowing any better, uncorks the top and drinks up, before spitting it out and coughing in pain. His eyes go wide in his late realization: it’s a trap. He tries to get up, but the awful flavors cause him to stagger in pain, and with a chloroform rag, he loses consciousness instantly.
It's... bad. Really bad. It's probably one of the worst things I've ever seen. Honestly, I hate it. There are almost no redeeming qualities. I'm literally suffering, just like in real life. Wait, does that even make sense? Nevermind, but it makes me want to sleep. I can make better anime in my dreams.
1- These are the worst anime to soil the earth. In terms of wine, I put these in a special cabinet with a 4-pin code locking any unfortunate soul who just happens to see it, for these wines are worse than aged grape juice. And unfortunately, a certain raccoon has been forced to drink my final and entire stock of horrible wine for the past seven days. He’s chained down on a metal chair, at this point, unable to even resist, as he’s been poisoned by this ghastly wine. Bottle after bottle after bottle, I force him to drink it until he fesses up where my wine has gone. And before I can give him the last bottle, he cries in pain, shouting that he drank it all, and in that moment, I knew what true pain was. I unchain him, too depressed to go on, and pour myself a glass of this horrendous wine past the brim, and after a solemn silence, start downing the glass, tears streaming down my face… for how the mighty have fallen.
This is a masterpiece. It's making me cry in how amazingly BAD it is. I'm bawling. When I see this kind of anime, it's inspiring. It inspires me to take out PowerPoint and make something that might be on par with their anime. Maybe someday, someday I'll make a PowerPoint animation that's worse than what I've just watched.
Guys, I've known this lad my entire life. If I had a stack of dollarydoos, I'd exchange them all for Subway gift cards and give them all to him. If anyone has hundreds of kangaroos on their Subway cash card just laying around, he's the guy to give it to.
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